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My Heart is a Lost Cause [May. 13th, 2006|01:10 am]
So it's been awhile. I've successfully made it out alive of my freshman year of college. That was my number one goal when I started. To just make it out alive. It seems alot more like highschool than I thought it would be. Some things will just never change.

I'm fusrated. I hate feeling like this. But I am so now I'm left to deal with it. Mostly it has to do with other people. I blamed alot of it on myself too though. I'm smart enough to know that all I have to do is remove myself from the situation to not feel like this. But I feel obligated to stay. It's very conflicting. Maybe I just need to turn off my cellphone and take a vacation.

I have a haircut tomorrow. I'm excited and I'm tired. It's late. I need to get to bed much much earlier than I do now. Good night <33
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If anything could feel this real forever [Mar. 19th, 2006|12:10 am]
Because at the very least I owe you an explanation. It's just... it's hard you know when I don't even know how to justify my feelings. Especially about you. Because you were there when I had nothing and now I feel like I owe you everything. You've seen me at my worst and yet you're still here with me. That must mean something. Even when you hear what happened the night before between me and him. You shake your head at me and sigh a little. But you're still there. I'm sick of people asking me if we're together. Because we're not. And to be truthful I don't know if I would ever want to be. Because I like you and I don't want to complicate things. I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I need to sort things out first. It's a lame excuse but I really want to keep you in my life. Even if it means we don't talk for awhile.

I've made some pretty stupid drunk decisions. They makes life interesting <33
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confession one [Feb. 3rd, 2006|10:05 pm]
I decided that it would probably be for the best if I gave a confession to you. Because I feel he truly deserves to know everything.

I've wasted an invaluable amount of time on Dan, who decided that I just wasn't good enough unless he was drunk to call me. And I was so desperate for any amount of attention thought maybe if I play my cards right everything would work out. I was wrong and he hurt me.

So now there's Ryan who is absolutely adorable but never ever someone I would picture myself with in a million years. He's a frat boy and he flirts with single girl on the planet. We have completely different backgrounds. And apparently he cares about me alot. He asked me out and I'm his girlfriend. It's just I have such a problem trusting him and not because of anything that he's done. It's just I don't want get hurt again and I'm constantly afraid of that will happen. I've been the biggest bitch to him ever and yet he's stuck with me.

I'm just so afraid that he'll realize what I am sooner or later and leave me. Because all these other girls like him who are prettier, skinnier and nicer and more fun to be around than me. That's why I constantly feel the need to be a bitch or get hurt because sooner or later he'll realize that I'm not good enough just like all the other boys did.

EDIT: He doesn't want to be with me. He wants a break. And he hurt me just like I knew he would.
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2005|12:41 am]
And he will never feel the same way about me...
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i'm guessing you can't always win [Oct. 4th, 2005|09:51 am]
The past couple of weeks I think I've grown up more than I have in about 2 years. It was my time of adjustment. I know where I stand with everything. My friends. My values and beliefs. What I want out of life. I think I'm alot tougher. I don't let little things bother me anymore. Just the things I feel are important, that are worth fighting for. I also made it through Horror Hall. I don't think I would have done that a year ago =)

I've had some of the worst times at Bloomsburg because of certain boys. But I've had some of the best times because of my friends are here. But supposed that's what college is all about. I was so worried that there wouldn't be a balance between new and old. And that people would forget about me. But thankfully there is. The new can never replace the old. But there's enough room in my heart to allow other people in it.

So I met a new guy. I have a good feeling about this one. But then again I had a good feelings about other boys... But I don't want to jinx things and he probably doesn't even like me but yeah.

I hate to admit this but I get homesick. But then I miss Bloomsburg after a couple of days of being home. I think it's the people that I miss most not the actual place. But it's still home. And it'll always be my home =)

But my life is far from perfect... but it's the flaws that make interesting.

p.s. I like getting mail =) It makes me feel loved.
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My favorite man =) [Aug. 18th, 2005|12:01 am]
So everything is starting to fall into place. I've spent more money this last week than I have in a long long time. Well over 200 dollars of money which I have been desperately trying to save but shrug that's why I have direct deposit and parents for =)

Seriously though my dad took me to office max to load up on school supplies. It was kinda sad. I'm so convinced that I should be going back to highschool it almost feels unreal to be like yea in one week I'll be a freshman all over again. Then he took me for ice cream and told me to tell Rob that I was out with my favorite man =)

I think I'm beginning to feel homesick without even leaving home. I'll miss my house, my parents, shana and my friends. One week and I'll have to leave for a small cramped dorm room. I still have to pack just about everything and friday & saturday I will be in Washington d.c.

I'm ready for this though. The world's so big and I'm so small but I'm not afraid of anything.

Crazy crazy days ahead.
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We're just two lost souls swimming in fish bowl [Aug. 13th, 2005|05:21 pm]
I get blamed for everything in life.

and pssh... I fucking hate you.

Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out
- oasis
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I love my girls [Aug. 9th, 2005|10:33 pm]
[mood |touchedmixed emotions]
[music |Leaving on a jet plane <3]

So tonight was a much needed bonding experience for the girls. I can't believe in two weeks I won't get to see them. And in one week Mel is leaving =( I might actually cry my eyes out.

Chinese food was all good but Des was right you won't remember getting chinese food what you'll remember is cutting off cops and swimming in your bra and panties with five of your friends <3 And we have the pictures to prove it.

Des and I are such dorks with the pictures. We wear our sunglasses at night and pose with them too.

I'm going to miss you all the most. Please don't forget me <33
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He knows I care, that's why he doesn't. [Aug. 7th, 2005|05:51 pm]
[music |Foo Fighters~ Best of you]

I hate this feeling. The one that makes me feel sick to my stomach when someone mentions you. It's my fault. I set myself up for these things.

I don't even get a goodbye. I miss the old you. The one I meet at the bowling alley who begged me to stay with him so we could hang out.

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was ♥

I wanted you to know that I meant every last word
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This is MY life [Jul. 15th, 2005|09:35 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

I keep telling myself that I can't stay eighteen forever. That we have to grow up for our own good. There are things and people that I will miss dearly. There are other things and people that I couldn't care less about. I had this in my profile awhile ago but it still holds true... I am who I am and I do what I want. I'm so afraid of the future. Yes I'm excited about it yet at the same time I'm absolutely terrified of it. Because I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't completely know what I want out of my life. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose everything when I go away. I think that if I go away everyone will change or maybe I'll change and it just won't be the same anymore. I just want to gather up everyone I care about together so none of us would have to say goodbye.

My hair looks nice. They followed my orders to a T. I like it.

I'm still shopping for college. I got a huge amount of clothes and towels. Two bedsheet sets, slippers, sneakers, a blanket, a comforter, a pillow case and a rug. Still I have about a million other things I need to buy. It's so weird going to bed bath and beyond and thinking hmm.. I'm going to need one of those. It's really starting to hit me that I am moving away from home. Only an hour away but still. I won a gift basket from Bloomsburg. It has a candle and restaurant gift certifices which really is just what I need. Still no matter how much I have I'm always going to want more and whatever I have I'll always want something different.

Des and I had the kind of talk last night that only best friends have. We talked about how much we changed and how much other people changed. Who broke our hearts and who we can't believe we ever dated. How she's going to come visit me at Blooms and not to worry because we'll always be friends. I need to be reassured about these things because people I thought would be there aren't anymore. I've come to realize that as the older I get the more and more I go back to the people who were with me the beginning. That's just the way it is.

My annual summer tradition will be taking place sometime next week for those of you who know what I'm talking about. Only half of the people who were there last time won't be there this time.
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